Being a performative male means playing a role more than just being yourself. Let’s break down what that really means and why understanding it can lead to a freer, more genuine way of living.
Okay, imagine a guy who orders a special matcha drink with oat milk. And he’s carrying a bag with a book about girls’ rights.
Congratulations, you just spotted a performative male! And their thing is kind of like a costume they wear.
People like to group others into easy-to-understand groups, and sometimes it’s funny, but it’s also how these guys show who they want to be online.
Being a performative male means some guys feel like they have to act a certain way, instead of just being themselves.
What Does It Mean to Be a Performative Male?
So, what’s a performative male? It’s basically a guy who seems like he’s got it all together. He’s woke, feminist, emotionally smart, and cares about social stuff… but only when it works in his favor.
He’s not genuinely feeling or practicing these things; he’s just putting on a show. It’s more about looking like he’s emotionally grown-up, whether it’s online, talking with people, or on dates.
And honestly, this isn’t super new. Can you still remember when “sad boys” were a thing? (Yeah, they’re still around). Those guys use vulnerability kind of like a weapon.
But when it comes to performative males, they want people to give them cheers for their "emotionally mature" vibe.
Why Call It “Performative”?
Today, being yourself and just being real is super important, especially for kids and teens. If someone comes across as genuine, they’re way more likely to be seen as honest and trustworthy.
Millennials were all about perfect selfies and carefully curated posts, but Gen Z? Raw and real.
That’s why dudes who put up an act always stand out, and he seems like he’s trying way too hard to appear genuine.
You know, the guy with the trendy matcha latte, the vintage film camera, and the tote bag? They don’t really say much about who he is.
Honestly, people who are truly thoughtful don’t need to prove it by carrying around notebooks or quoting deep books.
And as stated by David A. Gerber on his own blog, you can never have a true, trusting relationship if you’re not being authentic. It can also lead to disappointment and, eventually, a breakup.
The Basics of Being a Performative Male (And How to Spot One)
You know those guys who seem a little too emotionally available? Yeah, TikTok calls them performative males.
At first, he seems like the perfect guy, emotionally smart, respects your boundaries, remembers all the little things you say.
But after a while, it kinda feels like he's not really a good person, but he just wants people to think he is.
The Starter Pack
Performative males come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, but TikTok’s basically given us a funny starter pack to spot them.
- They always have a matcha latte and claim it’s from some super cool, hidden cafe you’ve never heard of.
- They’ve got little keychains or cute toys, like Sanrio characters, hanging from their baggy jeans.
- Expect a feminist paperback or a self-help book in their bag; right now, it’s probably The Bell Jar or Atomic Habits.
- You can hear them coming from a mile away because their thrifted tote bag is jangling.
- They’re big fans of old-school wired earphones, and they’re most likely vibing to Laufey, Clairo, Phoebe Bridgers, or Beabadoobee.
- They call movies “films” and love bragging about their Letterboxd ratings. And the last thing probably watched would be something like Anora or American Psycho.
- And those loud silver rings, bracelets, and necklaces? Always on them.
- And don’t even get me started on zodiac signs! They know their Big Three, and they probably see tarot card stuff everywhere on their phones!
- They probably got some hidden bedroom stuff, too. Just like keeping some vibrating rings or strokers to tend to their own fun. It's their secret way to drop the act and just enjoy.
Signs You’re Dealing with a Performative Male
That starter pack was just a funny way to describe these guys, but they’re real and everywhere.
He might say, “Not all guys are like that,” and call himself a “golden retriever boyfriend,” meaning he acts super nice. But after asking him the most important questions, he just disappears out of nowhere.
He’s always talking about supporting women and posting about women’s rights, but then you catch him laughing at those dumb, kinda sexist jokes with his friends.
He loves that you speak your mind, until you say something that doesn’t sit right with him. He’ll talk a big game about healing and taking responsibility, but only if it keeps you on his side.
A performative male only shows the parts of himself he thinks you’ll like. But after a while, you might see signs that what he says and what he does don’t match.
It’s kind of a sneaky game that makes you question yourself. But honestly, your gut is usually right about this kind of stuff.
The Growing Trend of Performative Males
Saw a guy with an unread feminist book and a creepy Labubu doll hanging off his tote bag? Here are some of the reasons why they try to flex their woke side.
Expressing Gender is Like Playing a Role
Calling these performative guys "big liars" is just a fun social media joke. But it might have got you thinking, why do people freak out when dudes act a little girly?
It's the latest trend where guys try feminine vibes, and everyone questions if it's real.
Even the macho gym bros are putting on a show. So gender's kinda all pretend anyway, right?
Social media pushes toxic dudes like Andrew Tate, but it also spotlights effeminate ones like Harry Styles, which some might say, masculinity can be expressed in either way.
No Male is Authentic Because It’s Always Performative
Some people don’t believe a guy would read books or do fancy exercises unless he’s trying to get a girlfriend.
Let's do things the other way around. If it's women wearing men's clothes, like ripped jeans and all, is it still performative?
There’s no such thing as an absolute male, because today, everything is so fluid and diverse.
When in fact, the majority of girls will pick the 'faker' flipping through feminist books over the guy who doesn't bother.
Even if it's partly an act, it's better than toxic bro vibes. The critics are basically calling women gullible, but girls can spot a red flag from a library card easily.
And as per this post from Reddit, the user listenyall stated that feminists prefer performative males the most. Some performative males also believe that if they do the things they do, it will make them young (weird concept, but yeah).
The Not-So-Great Side of Being a Performative Male
If you're from LA, you might have spotted performative males at flea markets or indie bookstores, and even chuckle. Once noticed, they appear everywhere, and it's kinda hilarious.
Strong reactions make sense. Patriarchy's so baked in that a dude caring about a woman's opinion feels like culture shock.
Their style screams "feminine," yet we slap "fake" on it.
And the funny thing is, when people make fun of guys acting girly, they’re actually keeping old rules that trap every gender.
The tricky thing is thinking there’s a “real” guy who doesn’t care what girls think.
So, whenever a guy acts overly feminine, will that make them an awful person? Nah.
It’s way better than being one of those tough guys who never change.
In a world where boys are always told to be tough, even pretending to be soft is a good start.
And most of the time, all you have to do is fake it till you make it for real change.
Pretending to read feminist books is better than sticking to boring macho stuff every time. At least it shows there’s a different, freer way to be a guy.
When the world tells guys to be tough all the time, even a fake soft side is pretty brave. Let them perform their ways if that can kick off some real change.
The Psychology Behind the Performance
Gender expert Judith Butler said gender is always performative. And it's not who we are, but what we do over and over with words, moves, and habits.
The performative male cranks it up: he acts like he's not performing, crafting this "emotionally open good guy" vibe that fits what most cultures want now.
Why Some Dudes Feel the Need to Put on a Show
Some guys act a certain way because they’re scared people won’t like them or will think badly of them. So, these men really try their best to look and act perfectly to keep everyone happy.
Doing so can help them feel safe. And even get a thumbs up without having to show how they really feel.
Instead of being honest, they show a practiced, safe version of who they are.
Sometimes, they say the right things just to seem caring, but they don’t really mean it deep down. It looks like they care, but after a while, it can start to feel kind of empty.
When Pretending Replaces Real Connection
You know, in relationships, pretending can only go so far. At the beginning of the relationship, men may appear super nice. They listen, say all the right things, and seem really sweet.
But when stuff gets real and close, you can tell if someone is just pretending, and trying to be perfect all the time is seriously tough, and it messes with your head. It wears you out.
You really trust someone when what they say matches how they really feel.
You can’t really connect with someone hiding behind a mask, no matter how good it looks.
Dropping the Mask by Building Real Masculinity
Here are three things to think about when you want to move past pretending:
- Focus on doing the real work inside, and don't just show off what's on the outside. Things like therapy and talking about your feelings really help. But only if you wanna do it for yourself and not show off what's going on to others.
- Don’t try so hard to look perfect or like you know everything, because real friends like it when you just be yourself, even if you’re not perfect. It’s about having the guts to let people see who you really are, mistakes and all.
- Life in general won't feel real if you act like someone you're really not. It’s about living in a way that feels true to you and really believing what you say. Just be someone open to learn new things, and who means what they say, surely, people will love you for who you are.
Being Real Will Always Beat Pretending
Pretending to be someone else just to fit in or impress won’t help you make real friends.
What really matters is being real to the person you really are. When you tell how you really feel and want to learn and get better, that’s when trust and love happen for real.
If you want to be your real self and bring more pleasure and closeness into your relationships, you should check out BeyourLover. Their awesome toys are made to help you connect deeper, have more fun, and enjoy being exactly who you are!
