If you’ve been forcing an identity that doesn’t feel like home, comphet might be the reason.
What is Comphet?
Ever found yourself wondering why some interactions felt more like obligations? You know, instead of being all enthusiastic because of your desire. Like it’s some kind of tedious task/chore.
You’re not alone there. Here’s one example of it. Comphet. Short for Compulsory Heterosexuality. What is it though? Comphet is a social expectation that everyone, including you, should be straight.
And if you’re not, folks would assume you’re just going through a phase. Or you just haven’t found the right person for you yet. From the opposite sex. Think of it like your folks are trying to make you wear a mask.
An identity you assume as our society expects from you. Let’s say a type of projection. Since our early years, family, friends, the media all expect us to be something or someone. Someone who will follow the norms.
Get attracted to the opposite sex, get married. All that jazz. Here’s the thing about comphet. It can make us doubt ourselves. Making us question if we have genuine feelings of attraction.
Comphet can also make you feel guilty for not wanting what others expect you to want. You might even mistake comfort, admiration as an automatic sign of romantic interest.
Worse, the pressure gets to you. Forcing yourself into roles that you don't even find natural. Comphet is not about you putting some right or wrong stamp on yourself.
To understand it is you distinguishing the difference between your own, genuine voice. And the external voice. Meaning, people’s opinions. Their expectations too.
Adrienne Rich covered this one in her 1980 essay. Doesn’t matter what your gender is. Anyone who experienced something similar is going to relate.
For a more recent take on comphet, you can check this Gender Justice Project write-up.
How Comphet Shows Up in Life?
You’ve probably crossed paths with comphet before. Way before you heard or read the word for it. Here are some common ways it can subtly show up in your life.
Mistaking comfort for attraction
Sometimes you meet someone kind. Respectful. Safe. You get along with them and they’re easy to talk to. Then, the folks around you assume that you’d make a great couple.
Even though everything is just platonic, bit by bit, you start to believe them. Convincing yourself as well that you’re attracted. Comfort is a great thing. But chemistry is not always romantic.
Feeling like you should be attracted
Comphet can sound like why you’re not feeling what everyone feels. Telling yourself maybe you should try harder. Not wanting to disappoint the people around you.
It’s this underlying pressure to perform and meet what society expects. Although you’re not feeling things naturally. Sounds more like an obligation right?
Confusing admiration with desire
You’re out there admiring someone deeply. Seeing how they carry themselves. Even though you’re not turned on by them. Not turned off either.
But comphet makes you assume you have romantic or sexual interest. It’s like your admiration must be automatic attraction. The reality of your feelings say you’re more on the platonic side.
Feelings of guilt when you don’t reciprocate
You might have been in situations where you’re liked. Instead of asking yourself if you like someone back, you internalize it.
Asking yourself why you don’t reciprocate their feelings towards you. That’s comphet being sneaky. Quietly judging your own feelings.
Staying out of obligation
Even when things feel off despite the safety, comphet can still tell you a few things. That someone would be a great partner for you.
That you should be grateful. Maybe love grows over time. But real attraction ain't something you force into existence.
Why Comphet Is Common?
The world teaches us that heterosexuality is a default thing. Even if you came from an open-minded circle, comphet can still show up here and there. Movies, classroom crush jokes, weddings, reunions.
It’s everywhere. A joke that you’re gonna look good with a certain someone. It’s going to leave you confused. When your feelings don’t line up with the script they’re projecting. On you.
You’re not defective. Not broken. You’re simply noticing the difference between their expectations and how you really, really feel. Just a part of being human.
Navigating Comphet
You don’t have to rush on having a label. A declaration or big reveal. Please don’t jump into an identity or make sudden changes to your relationships. See this as exploring.
Exploring a new side of yourself. Slowly and kindly. With you being curious instead of pressing the panic button. Here are some ways you can navigate gently.
Ask yourself without outside expectations
Imagine this. You grew up isolated from all societal beliefs. No movies, no family pressure, no expectations. You’re just you. No shoulds.
Ask yourself. Who are you drawn to? Genuinely. Is a certain connection natural or forced? Feeling the difference between comfort, relief vs. performance? What do you really want? Not what they expect you to want.
You might notice some patterns here. Patterns you never paid close attention to before.
Separate admiration from attraction
Do you want to be with someone? Maybe it’s kind of different. You actually want to be like them. Or maybe not at all. Check if you want a relationship or just approval.
Look at it honestly. If you can imagine a life with them. With romantic interest. Or if you feel like you’re just supposed to. Your experience is not fake. You’re just trying to sort through it.
Examine your past relationships
In a gentle way. Not with a critical lens. You’re not looking back to judge yourself or the people from your past. You’re just trying to understand better.
Did you enjoy the closeness? Or you just tolerated it? Was your attraction alive? Was it just a routine? Desire or obligation? If things ended and you felt relief. Maybe it was for good reasons.
Asking these questions will help you uncover the truth in details that you dismissed in your past.
Pay attention to what feels effortless
Genuine attraction will make you feel like it’s gravity. Quiet, steady and natural. Doesn’t demand explanation/justification. You don’t have to convince yourself to feel it. It simply is.
If something feels like a chore/labor or you’re just lonely and pressured, that’s worth your attention as well.
Explore without committing to a label
You’re not doing this to answer everything right away. No rush here. Attraction is fluid. Your orientation can take time to understand. You’re not failing here. You’re being human.
Exploration is not requiring you to announce or reveal major stuff. Please remember, you’re not doing this to conform or prove yourself. You can follow your thoughts, your emotions.
Quietly, privately, organically putting your own puzzle pieces together. Finding your unique voice. Until things click for you.
Talk to people who understand’
No need for you to decipher this alone. There are communities you can approach. People who dealt with comphet’s challenges themselves. If you reach out, you might find some warm comfort in their presence.
Knowing your experience is valid, shared and common. But you don’t owe anyone your process. You can explore. Or sexplore at your own pace. Knowing that you’re not alone though? Yeah. That's comforting.
Trust what your body and your emotions tell you
Your body’s going to know it. Way before your mind gets ready to admit it. Your body knows when you feel drawn in. When you feel tense or disconnected.
When things feel natural instead of forced, your body will respond. To someone who wakes your heart up. Instead of shutting that precious thing down.
Your feelings. They are trying to lead you toward understanding. Not trap you in a maze of confusion. Please don’t let external stuff lead you into self-doubt.
Before You Make A Major Announcement
The purpose of understanding is not about pushing yourself into a new identity. Not about leaving your current life behind. It’s simply giving yourself permission. To understand your experiences with clarity and compassion.
Maybe this will lead you toward a realization. That you’re not straight. Maybe it won’t and find a better-fitting label for you. Maybe you’ll find out that you don’t need any label at all. Whatever you choose, valid.
Even if you're not super sure about your path. And where it will lead you. As long as you’re open to hear your voice, you’re not late dear. You’re not confused. Not having an identity crisis. You’re just uncovering parts of yourself.
Parts that ache to breathe and to be approached with kindness. Instead of fear. You deserve clarity. Freedom. A life that aligns with who you really are. Not who they expect you to be. You also deserve to take your time finding it. Keep being you! Unapologetically.
