Are you thinking about trying a BDSM scene at home? From discussing consent to make your partner feel ready, this guide is all you need, so that every step of the way is a great experience for everyone involved.
Even if you’re a noob to BDSM or just want to learn a few stuff and keep the play safe, then this guide has your back.
See how you can create a safe and fun BDSM scene at home, that's not just entirely safe, but can offer you a truly unforgettable experience!
A Quick Look at Different Flavors of BDSM Play
If you’re a newbie, and once you hear the term BDSM, you might think of dungeons, chains, and leather gear, but it’s more than that.
Because BDSM play also covers a bunch of different ways to play and have fun!
- Age Play - During age play, you can be someone younger or older than you really are.
- Breath Play - This play uses breath control, like holding your breath or giving/receiving light choking (but be super careful!).
- Edge Play - Edge play is where you can push and exceed the limits, but take note, this one can be very risky.
- Gender Play - Gender play allows you to become another gender of your choice to explore and have fun.
- Impact Play - Impact play lets you use your hand (or whipping tools) to hit your partner and make them feel good..
- Role Play - Lastly, adapting role play in the bedroom lets you become someone else or create imaginary scenes.
But First, Safety is the Name of the Game
But before anything else, and before you hop in, why don’t we talk about safety first?
Use Safe Words
If you’re new to safe words, you can treat them like your very own “pause button” during BDSM play. It’s something you can use to save yourself whenever something feels off or you just need a break.
And if you’re the top, and once your partner mentions the safe word, it’s a sure sign that things might be too much for them.
You can think of safe words as your secret code that means “stop right now,” no questions asked.
Consent
Just like during any sexual activity, consent is something that you should put in top priority during BDSM. And please, don’t start anything unless everyone’s clearly on board.
Consent isn’t something that you'll apply at the beginning of the game or just once.
And it can also link into the big idea of “safe, sane, and consensual” (SSC), which is kind of like the rulebook that most BDSM people follow, to prevent any misuse or abuse of power, as stated by Sharon Glassburn of Good Therapy.
Squirting
Squirting is something that people with vulvas can experience, as long as you do things properly as a partner.
During BDSM, feelings can be so intense, and there can be lots of pleasurable things going on at the same time, which can make vulva owners squirt, so you might want to get those towels and wipes ready for any emergencies.
But if you want to upgrade your squirting game like a boss, then you might want to check this article from Natural Cycles by Karolina Wilde for more awesome tips!
Playing BDSM in a Safe, Smart, and Consensual Way
So, you want to play while sticking to the SSC rules?
1. Know the Safety Rules for Your Type of Play
Alright, so before you jump into any BDSM fun, you’ve gotta know the safety rules for the certain type of play you’re doing.
Sure, there are lots of general safety tips going around for all kinds of kink, but still, each style has its own safety measures you should know.
Take rope bondage, for example, where you might need safety scissors within reach just in case things get too tight. And you gotta know the spots on the body where knots are safe and where they’re a major no-go.
2. Have Some Real Talk Before You Play
Okay, this one can be a huge deal, because before you begin, you need to have a deep, honest chat with your partner… and the goal? It’s to make sure that everyone’s comfortable and totally on board with what’s about to go down.
It means everyone knows exactly what’s going to happen, what gear you’ll use, how you’ll communicate with safe words, and that you’re all sober and in the right headspace.
To give you a heads up, below is a list of questions that you might want to ask your partner:
- What BDSM activities are you comfortable with?
- What gear or toys are we gonna use?
- Who will take which role (top, bottom, dominant, submissive)?
- What are the things you absolutely won’t do?
- Are there BDSM things you're not sure about but want to try?
- Do we need to be aware of any triggers or any concerns?
- What safewords or signals can we use for our communication?
- Will sex or penetration be involved, and what protections will be used?
3. Acknowledge the Risks
There's always a risk when doing any activity, and it goes the same way in the bedroom, so every play, including BDSM, can put you or your partner at risk, especially if you don't know what you're doing.
To prevent any mishaps, you can search the web and read about your chosen activity, so you can learn more about its risks and how you can counter them.
Like you can pile up some pillows at the headboard to prevent any accidental injuries, or use some soft, quality handcuffs to avoid any bruises or mild injuries after doing the deed.
4. Never Play While Under the Influence
Alright, this one’s super important: never do BDSM play or even talk about it when you’re drunk or high.
If your head isn't clear, it can affect you and your partner's safety, common sense, and most importantly, consent.
And whenever you’re under the influence, your brain isn’t working like it should. So you could:
- Miss some details
- Forget your limits
- Mess up the communication
- Hurt yourself or your partner
And trust us, that’s not the road you wanna take, especially if you or your partner are new to this.
5. Keep Checking In With Your Partner
Talking with your partner will always be the foundation of a successful and awesome BDSM experience.
Even if you already talked about it prior to the activity, you can always ask your partner every time about how they feel, especially if they want to change anything from what you agreed on.
Always practice your safewords and give each other a quick check-in, because once you both feel safe during the activity, you tend to relax more, resulting in a more pleasurable experience.
Don’t be afraid to ask, and it doesn’t kill the mood, as some people believe, when in fact, it can even strengthen the dynamics between both of you.
6. Keep a First Aid Kit Nearby
It can be super simple, but keeping a first aid kit close whenever you’re playing can be one of the most important safety moves.
And keep in mind, you and your partner aren’t the only ones who should adjust, because your first aid kit should fit your play as well.
For example, if you’re into anal play, make sure to use topical healing creams like Calmoseptine to help you if there are any little tears. And if flogging is your thing, you can also toss in some bandages in your kit to cover parts like moles, so you won’t accidentally hurt them.
7. Make Time for Aftercare
Aftercare is another must in every BDSM play because it’s like a cool-down after an intense workout.
During a BDSM session, you could become so deep into it that it might feel like you’re floating away from reality, so coming back can be tough sometimes, and that’s where aftercare comes in.
So, what’s aftercare?
Aftercare is the downtime when you take good care of yourself or your partner, emotionally and physically speaking. Your aftercare method will likely depend on the kind of play you just had.
The ideas below are some suggestions to help you get started in your aftercare:
- Cuddling or snuggling
- Sipping a drink (like water or something with electrolytes)
- Watching a movie or listening to music
- Eating a light snack once you feel ready
- Giving massages
- Taking a bath
- Talking about what you loved, what could be better, or what feels best (best done once the “sexual high” has faded, maybe the next day)
Everyone’s aftercare looks different, and some want it alone or with someone else. What matters most is talking about what you need ahead of time and finding a middle ground if you don’t feel the same. The key? Hydrate, rest, and connect, because that’s how you close the scene with care and respect.
What Is Consensual Non-Consent? Let’s See a Play That Looks Like 'No' but Is All Agreed Upon
Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) can sound bizarre. And applying it in the bedroom may seem too wild for some people. Because it’s where one person is saying “no,” although it means the other way around.
You can just think of CNC like ‘acting’ out a scene where force is used. But there's full trust, and both partners initially agreed to do it.
But of course, before playing, there should be a big YES for consent.
It may sound intense and maybe even scary, but that’s the point, and some people get turned on by doing the taboo stuff, and CNC helps them explore that twisted fantasy with a trusted partner.
Why Do People Enjoy BDSM? Why Don’t We Take a Look at the Psychology
Contrary to popular belief, most people who love BDSM aren't ‘weird’ or ‘broken,’ because all they want is just something more than vanilla sex.
Plain sex just doesn’t cut it for these folks because they want something that excites them and makes them feel different.
Some like the power play, while others like the feeling of letting go. And many find it releasing, wild, and powerful.
Playing bondage may seem like a taboo for most people, but for its practitioners, it's a natural and healthy way to express oneself. And that’s pretty awesome!
What Could Go Wrong? Possible Risks in BDSM
Bondage can be a super hot activity, but people who are doing BDSM may have had at least one accident or injury, with bruises being the most common.
Some serious stuff can also happen, like death from strangulation. And to stay safe, you can:
- Make sure to get genuine and eager consent from everyone involved.
- Talk honestly about your boundaries, like what’s a yes and what’s a no.
- Set a safeword or hand sign that you can use to stop the play in a split second.
- Be sober before and after play to prevent any accidents from happening.
You Can Keep It Playful and Consensual at the Same Time!
Safety, communication, and consent are important to keep things safe and enjoyable, especially if you decide to set your own BDSM scene at home.
Please don’t play while you’re under the influence, always keep your safety kits handy, and set aside time for aftercare to nurture your connection after play.
But if you need some tools for your next BDSM play, then you can head over to BeYourLover for awesome and high-quality toys. So you can explore your desires with more confidence!
Bring your kinky fantasies to life, safely and consensually!
