It’s not that she doesn’t want sex, it’s just that life, stress, or hormones get in the way
“Why doesn’t my girlfriend want to have sex with me?”
I get that it really feels frustrating if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you for some reason. But you are not alone in this problem; it’s actually pretty common.
Loss of sexual desire is not a trivial matter. It’s one of the common relationship problems that may lead to more serious ones like cheating or loveless relationships. It leaves the partner feeling rejected and stuck, and you don’t deserve to feel this way either.
So, it’s understandable that you’ll look for a way to make your partner say yes. But remember that there’s a right approach.
14 Possible Reasons Your Partner Says No
Sometimes, no matter how romantic or patient you are, your partner just isn’t interested in sex. No, it’s not because you’re boring or unattractive, there’s just some real reason behind it. It’s important to understand what might be going on so you can help your partner address it.
1. Fatigue and Low Energy
Imagine if your partner has a long day at work. It can definitely leave your partner exhausted, with no to little energy left for love making.
According to Zawn’s interview with women, being too tired is the main reason why they say no to their men. It’s the top 82.93% of the responders who said it.
2. Hormonal Fluctuations
Hormones have a huge impact on sexual desire. For your gf, it could be thyroid issues, menopause, or perimenopause. These issues can cause hot flashes, mood swings, or low libido.
3. Medication Side Effects
Medications like antidepressants, birth control, or pain killers can lower libido or make sex feel uncomfortable. So, check if your partner has started a new prescription, as it can affect their desire to make love.
4. Physical Discomfort
Maybe the reason your gf doesn’t wanna have sex with you is that she feels pain during sex. It can be due to vaginal dryness, or a condition called vaginismus. If she has this health problem, sex is more of a pain than a pleasure for her.
5. Anxiety and Depression
Let’s face it. Life offers tons of struggles. There are pressures at work, financial worries, and others that may leave your partner emotionally unavailable. During these moments, sex is your partner’s least of concern. She is now more focused on solving her issues than to have sex.
6. Self-Esteem & Body Image Issues
You know that women are self-conscious about our bodies or even our sexual performance. If they are insecure about their body image or sex performance, she might hesitate to be intimate.
7. Past Trauma
If your partner was sexually abused, it can leave emotional scars that can last for a long time or even a lifetime. Your gf probably avoids sex so they can protect themselves from the memory or triggers that will remind them of the abuse. Note that it isn’t your fault. This can happen if your partner has 100% trust in you.
8. Emotional Disconnect
If your partner feels unappreciated, misunderstood, or the sexual attraction is not there at all, your gf might say no to you, or even if she does agree, she’ll be more distant or just want to get over it, and we don’t like that. Emotional closeness drives sexual desire, therefore, make sure not to lose it in your relationship.
9. Loss of Attraction or Routine
Things, no matter how good they are, if you do it often, it becomes boring. Couples become too comfortable. The sexual excitement and anticipation are now gone. It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you anymore. It only means that it’s time to spice things up a little.
10. Conflict
Many people believe that sex can solve anything, even a misunderstanding. But that is not entirely true. According to a PubMed Central research, intimacy conflict can reduce sexual desire and increase sexual discrepancy in couples. It’s how a couple manages this conflict that will determine the future of what’s gonna happen in bed or in their relationship.
11. Different Expectations
Maybe you want sex every other day, or maybe your partner feels once a week is already too much. It can also be that your styles or preferences don’t line up. If you have mismatched sexual desires and expectations, making love can be challenging without communication.
12. Busy Schedule
If your partner is a superwoman, someone who juggles career, household chores, or even babies (if you have them), sex will be the last thing on her priority list. If sex is kept being cancelled by your gf, it doesn’t mean they are not attracted to you, it’s just that they want to prioritize things that they think are more important than sex.
13. Shame, Fear, or Embarrassment
Some people can feel shameful towards sex. It can be from their upbringing or culture. Sometimes, their feelings of shame or fear are getting in the way, making it hard for them to say yes, even if they really want to jump your bones.
14. Sex as a Weapon
Unfortunately, sex can also be used as a weapon. There are people, especially narcissists, who withhold sex to use it as a tool for punishment or control. This attitude towards sex is unhealthy for the partner or the relationship. Here’s a video of Danish Bashir, a narcissistic abuse recovery professional who explains this further:
How to Approach the Conversation
You’re already on the right track by asking questions. This shows you care about your partner’s feelings.
When it comes to your girlfriend, with sex as the topic, the way you talk about it with your partner is important. A gentle, respectful communication can coax your partner to open up because they feel safe, and you are willing to help what’s bothering them, while blame, or pressure can push them further away.
Here are some tips on what to discuss and how to communicate with your partner to make sure that she will say yes to you next time.
Desires
You’re in a romantic relationship and sex is a natural part of it. There’s no point keeping it as the elephant in a room. If your partner is a virgin or is shy to talk about it. Make her feel that it’s safe to trust you. Open this topic up in a place where you two are alone to discuss this privately.
Then if your partner opens up. Share what you enjoy and ask what they like too. Frame it as a curiosity, instead of criticism. Don’t laugh at your partner’s fetishes or kinks
Schedule
Let’s face it. Life doesn’t revolve around sex. Both of you have work or other more important matters to attend too. But, it also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make time for each other.
So, talk about your schedules and find time where you can have date nights, movie nights, or sex. Planning ahead makes it easier for both of you to reconnect.
Use Respectful, Non-Judgmental Language
Don’t assume the reason why your partner is not having sex with you. It’s important that you ask them instead of judging them. Instead of saying, “You don’t want sex anymore,” try, “I feel a little distant lately, and I miss being close to you.”
Tell them how you feel. Starting your sentence with “I fee;” keeps your partner from being attacked. It also makes them hear you without flipping their defensive mode.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Don’t ask questions that are answerable by yes or no. You can ask something like, “How have you been feeling about sex lately?” or “Is there anything bothering you lately?” These usually open the door for honest answers instead of shutting down.
Listen
Once your partner starts talking, let them talk. Do not interrupt. Sometimes, your partner just wants to be heard and feel safe to discuss what’s on her mind.
Discuss Boundaries
Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. Talk about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what each of you is comfortable with. This avoids misunderstandings and builds trust.
Be Patient
Your partner may not know what’s going on with her or that she needs more time to heal or process things up, especially if she is a victim of abuse. What’s important is you make her feel that you’re always there for her, and that you both keep the dialogue open.
What Can You Do Together
You know most women; a “no” doesn’t always mean a hard stop. Sometimes it means “not right now” or “not this way.” But one thing is for sure, before sex, make sure that you are on the same page, 100%. While you’re working toward that, there are some ways you can reconnect with your partner to keep your bond alive.
Small Lifestyle Changes
As mentioned, the biggest mood-killer is tiredness (you can also include stress here), or feeling overwhelmed. If you want to get some, you have to give some by helping your partner out. Try to help with the chores or help her relax by giving her a massage.
A good massage can help lower the stress and it can also be a good foreplay (wink-wink).
Keep Intimacy in a Non-Sexual Way
Maybe you can hold hands, cuddle on the couch, or hug each other. These small acts of affection keep your connection and bond with each other without the genital meet-up.
Add Novelty and Romance
If sex has become a boring routine. Try to shake things up with new experiences, like a date to a new place, travelling together, experimenting with new sex positions or role playing. You can also level up the sexual experience with toys. A good example is the BDSM toolkit, as this can surely let you experience BDSM if you haven’t done it before.
Be Present With Each Other Emotionally
Sometimes the reason why your girlfriend says no to you is not something about physical issues at all, sometimes it’s emotional. Show to your partner that you care by listening when they vent, supporting each other, or respecting their decisions. This not only strengthens your bond, but this can also help avoid some conflict.
Seek Professional Help if Needed
If there’s pain during sex, or if your partner is depressed or struggling with PTSD due to trauma or past abuse, it’s okay to reach out for help. Seek medical advice or therapy. Relationship counseling can also help you discover underlying issues to give you what you need to move forward.
Divorce
As much as I hate to put this here, sometimes it’s the only solution, especially if the reason your girlfriend refuses sex is out of control or manipulation. If your partner is narcissistic, the healthiest way to protect your sanity may be to finally let go. In the end, divorce is better than cheating.
What Not to Do
Let’s be honest; if you handle this the wrong way, you’re not just risking your sex life, you’re risking your whole relationship. Some behaviors will only push your partner further away. If you catch yourself doing any of these, pause for a while, and rethink your approach.
Pressuring or Guilt-Tripping
Saying things like “Come on! If you loved me, you would…” or pushing when your partner is clearly not in the mood will only lead to resentment. Pressure will never solve anything, it will only make things worse.
Comparing to the Past
Dropping lines like “You used to want sex all the time” isn’t gonna help. It makes your partner feel judged and defensive. People change. Make sure that you solve your problems together, not to keep score.
Ignoring the Issue
Don’t pretend everything is fine when all you do is sweep the problem under the rug. Remember that silence builds distance. It’s better to have an honest, uncomfortable, but respectful conversation than avoid the subject at all.
Cheating
Cheating might feel like an easy escape, but it will only create big problems, especially if you have kids. If intimacy is missing, communicate, do not break your partner’s trust and destroy your relationship.
Conclusion
If your girlfriend says no to you, it doesn’t mean things have to stay that way. The truth is many couples go through dry spells, and it doesn’t always mean that it’s the end of the relationship. With communication, patience, and consistent effort from both sides, intimacy can be brought back, sometimes, even stronger than before.
When you’re ready to experience new ways to bring back the excitement in bed, the right sex toy can help you and your partner rediscover pleasure, intimacy, and playfulness in your sex life. Visit BeYourLover today and start reconnecting with your partner in the best possible way.
Special Thanks To:
Danish Bashir, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Professional
