According to Psychology Today, 47% of adults reported experimenting with at least one aspect of BDSM.
It’s not a surprising statistic, though. As consenting adults, you are free to spice up your romance in the bedroom with some kinks. A 2020 study even claims that many people find BDSM activities sexually arousing.
If you are interested in this lifestyle, it’s important to be clear on what it entails.
Knowing the ins and outs of BDSM ensures that your relationship with your partner remains fun and satisfying. It also minimizes risks that could lead to accidents or even legal trouble.
What Is BDSM?
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, but not all elements need to be present for an act to be considered BDSM. It’s an umbrella term encompassing bondage and discipline (B/D), dominance and submission (D/s), and sadism and masochism (S/M).
One, two, or all of these aspects can exist in a BDSM relationship.
BDSM is a lifestyle where kinks or unconventional fetishes exist. Control, pain, and restraints may be involved. When done correctly, the result is a satisfying and fun relationship, strengthening the bond between partners.
Mutual understanding also improves as open communication becomes essential.
There is no right or wrong way to engage in BDSM. Your kink is your kink. Whether you are into scat play or a golden shower, you do you. However, three elements are indispensable:
- Consent
- Safety
- Communication
Without these, it’s not BDSM at all.
What BDSM Is Not?
Not everyone is into BDSM, and many people unfamiliar with it have misconceptions about this lifestyle.
If you want to engage in BDSM, it’s important to clear up these misunderstandings to avoid accidents or even lawsuits.
BDSM Is Not an Excuse for Abuse or Assault
In 2015, a college student was accused of raping a classmate. His alibi was that he was reenacting scenes from “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
It was consensual at first when the classmate willingly stripped her clothes and allowed him to blindfold her. However, things took a dark turn when he struck her with his belt and fists.
When she managed to free one arm and attempted to flee, he restrained her again and raped her.
This incident is one of many cases where perpetrators use BDSM as an excuse to commit crimes and abuse. But BDSM is not rape, abuse, or assault, it is a lifestyle where the word "no" is respected.
BDSM is based on mutual consent and clear agreements between sober adults.
BDSM Is Not a Mental Illness
There was a time when BDSM was considered a mental disorder or a response to psychological distress. If this were true, then 47% of people (as mentioned earlier) would be considered mentally ill.
However, this perception has changed.
According to The Atlantic, in 2010, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it would revise its diagnostic codes in the 2013 edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
This time, consenting adults who engage in non-conventional sexual behaviors (kinks) are no longer deemed as mentally ill.
BDSM Is Not Just a Sexual Fetish
While BDSM can be a kink or sexual fetish, it’s more than just sex.
As mentioned before, BDSM is a lifestyle.
A couple, friends, or even two consenting adults can engage in BDSM without having sex. You’ll understand this better as we delve into the three main aspects of BDSM.
The 3 Main Aspects of BDSM
BDSM is an umbrella term for kinks and unconventional sexual practices that may involve pain, bondage, and dominant-submissive roleplay.
Here’s a closer look at the three aspects of BDSM:
1. Bondage and Discipline
Bondage refers to the use of physical restraints, such as sex handcuffs, ropes, chains, or fabric, to limit movement. However, restraints don’t always have to be physical. Sometimes, a submissive assumes a restrictive position as instructed by their dominant.
Bondage can be light, such as tying a partner’s hands, or intricate, like the Japanese bondage art of shibari and kinbaku.
The purpose of bondage can be erotic or aesthetic. It can be for sexual pleasure, photography, or showcasing a submissive at BDSM events.
Discipline, on the other hand, refers to mental restraints, where rules and protocols govern behavior.
For example, rules may dictate:
- The submissive’s schedule
- How they behave in certain settings
- How they address the dominant (e.g., “Master” or “Sir”)
- What they wear
- Failure to follow these rules results in punishments, such as kneeling for a certain period, assuming a human furniture position, or receiving a spanking.
While bondage and discipline often go hand in hand, they don’t always have to.
2. Dominance and Submission
Dominance and submission is also known as a D/s relationship. The dominant partner is the one in control and the submissive partner grants this control.
The dominant player is also known as the dom, master, or top in the relationship. If the dom is female she is also known as the dominatrix or mistress. Throughout this article, we will refer to the dominants as doms.
Meanwhile, the submissive in the relationship is also known as the sub, bottom, or slave. In this article, we will refer to the submissives as subs.
Although there seems to be a superior and inferior relationship, it is consensual and beneficial for both of them.
Despite having control, a dom is responsible for their sub’s well-being. They must respect the sub’s limits and needs.
Meanwhile, the sub has more power than people think. They determine how much control the dom is allowed to have.
For an inside look at a D/s relationship, check out this interview with Master Berlin and Slave Angel Blue:
3. Sadism and Masochism
Sadism and masochism is also known as S&M or sadomasochism. Sadism refers to the pleasure of inflicting pain, humiliation, or degradation, whereas masochism refers to the pleasure of receiving pain, suffering or humiliation.
Contrary to popular belief, S&M is not required in BDSM. Not all doms are sadists, and not all Subs are masochists.
Additionally, pain and humiliation do not excuse abuse or assault. BDSM still follows the principle of consent.
Pain in S&M can be:
- Mental (e.g., being called "slut," "whore," or "cumdump")
- Physical (e.g., spanking, whipping, or cock-and-ball torture [CBT])
Since S&M is intense and potentially dangerous, safety should be more observed. Before engaging in this relationship, both the sadist and the masochist should know their personal limits.
6 Protips and Techniques for a Successful BDSM Lifestyle
For a starter, the following tips and techniques are most basic things that you should know to be successful this lifestyle:
1. Always Ask for Consent
You might say that this is a no-brainer rule in BDSM, but some people still use BDSM as an excuse to demand sex without consent.
Consent may be verbal or non-verbal. The doms need to pick up on a sub's non-verbal cues, especially when the latter is gagged and unable to speak.
2. Be Prepared
Always keep a first-aid kit, scissors, or handcuff keys nearby. You don’t want the sub to end up like Jessie in Gerald’s Game, where her husband died while she was bound and helpless. Being prepared helps prevent accidents like this.
Also, learning CPR is especially useful for doms and sadists.
3. Ensure Clear Communication
“We made a contract. And he collared me and I signed a contract… Yes, we both signed it and it’s a lifetime-and-beyond contract.” - Angel Blue
It's best to create a contract that both of you can sign. This contract can be revisited if you or your partner want to make changes.
In a dom/sub relationship, there’s no room for fear, shyness, or hesitation. You should communicate your desires, wants, and needs with your partner. Set clear boundaries that neither of you should cross.
If you are the sub, be sure to communicate any medical conditions or past traumatic experiences that could be triggered during play.
4. The Sub Is the Dom’s Responsibility
“And because there are no limits, that means I have to exercise my authority responsibly. It’s not like I’m some kind of a little tyrant or who would exercise that authority in an injurious manner. I could, but I won’t” - Berlin
In 2016, John Broadhurst neglected his aftercare duty to his partner after rough sex. He was charged with manslaughter because of this. Although the sex was consensual, things went wrong when he left his partner, Natalie Connolly, bleeding to death.
If you are a dom or a sadist, be attuned to your partner’s needs. What you inflict is your responsibility.
5. Engage With a Sober and Clear Mind
Do engage in play if you are intoxicated.
Many BDSM scenes and sexual encounters have resulted in lawsuits or fatal accidents because the dom was under the influence. Broadhurst is an example of this.
6. Do Your Research and Training
If you are new to BDSM, it’s important to do your research, especially if you are into sadism and masochism.
Learn how to inflict pain in a way that does not put your partner in danger. Also, start practicing on a plushie or toy before attempting it on a real person.
Final Thoughts
You might be curious about the BDSM lifestyle. However, accept that everyone is not into it, and some may even judge it. This could include old-fashioned or religious individuals in your community.
What matters is your relationship with your partner. What happens between you does not need to involve others, no matter how hard they judge.
The bottom line is that your BDSM activities should always revolve around consent, safety, and communication to ensure a successful and fun experience.
If you’re ready to explore this world, consider trying BDSM by browsing our website, our BDSM Kit is perfect for beginners.
