With family, you do not play, and do not even try. It is an unwritten rule but no young-adult can bring a person to his parents’ house to have sex in a single bed. Parents will never be able to tolerate the sight of entering into your room in the morning and finding you hugging a guy or a girl (or both) and seeing those two condoms lying on the floor. Also, do you think your beloved/date will be interested in going to your parents’ house knowing they are at home as well? It has to be someone very horny or drunk.
That is why one of the few moments in which you will be able to enjoy sex in a safety way will be when your parents will leave their nest temporarily (on a weekend trip, friends gathering, going to the movies, etc.). Of course, you will have to take advantage of these kind of situations as long as you are not in a relationship where your couple does not have an independently spot out of his/herparents’ house (so you’re a disaster match).
As years go by, one learns small tricks, and there are always tolerable solutions to situation. Let’s say your parents have gone on vacation and you owe the house for yourself. When they tell you the word “vacations” you already get hard and start thinking about sex.
Do not get that excited, because your mother will start telling you a not-to-do list and to-do list in addition, all the tasks you will have to do just as a kindly reminder of THESE ARE MY HOLIDAYS, such as:
- I do not want anyone at my house, specially blablabla (those friends she does not really like).
- I do not want to hear any complain from our neighbors when coming back.
- Careful with my carpet.
- Do not mess up my house.
- Walk the dog at least 78 times per day.
- Remember to water the plants on Wednesday.
- Do not forget I leeave you some food in the fridge, I want you to eat it.
- The plumber will come on Tuesday.
- Your aunt’s birthday is the 17th ,do not forget to call her.
- Loooooooooooong etc.
But you are thinking about:
- Will she/he be able to come tomorrow night?
- Do I have enough lube left?
- Should I prepare dinner for us? Naaaah, McAuto so I will not need to clean.
- Will my dog say something to mom?
- Holy crap! I also ran out of condoms.
- In three days will be my best friends’ birthday, should we all pre-drink at my place before going to the bar?
- And another loooooong etc.
Of course, you will not forget any of the tasks your mom told you due to she will call you every single day (if she does not call you one day, you better call her or she will judge you from the distance and will find out something is going on. Remember, mothers can read minds from distance, so caution!)
One tip I am going to share with you is, do not dare to change the sheets. This is one of the most common mistakes to be caught by your parents. You can always spill some Coke on it and change them the day they will arrive, so they will see you changing them due to the Coke. Go to the kitchen with the dirty sheets and extra clothes, but, do not forget to ask your parents to tell you about their vacation while you put all the stuff inside the washing machine and press the start button.
Another good tip is to take pictures of the living room and other areas to see how your mother left everything, because she will study everything when coming back and she will ask questions like:
- I am missing one Tupperware, where is it?
- Are you sure you water the plants when I told you? My Geranium seems to be weak.
- What is that frame doing there?
You know, mothers love us, but they can investigate you deeper than police if needed.
Anyhow, if it happens that they call you during their vacation just to let you know they have to come back by force majeure, you will have to improvise while your mood changes from happiness to panic.
As an alternative you can always have the decency to pay a hotel room for 30 USD. If you are really broken and you have enough confidence with your date, you can ask if it is OK to share the bill.
Another option is to honestly tell your date the truth, that you are so broken you cannot afford it. You can always go up to the roof of the building, or other building, lie down on the ground and watch the airplanes go by. With this scenario of honesty, you tell your date that unfortunately, your parents are back and you cannot bring dates home and emphasize you are extremely sad and embarrassed due to yo cannot keep your promise. It is extremely important to practice your sadness face before the date. You open your heart, you show the shyness you have inside. So, with this strategy you might even have sex up there; under the airplanes, the clouds, the stars and all the planets and galaxies that exist out there. It is one of the few situations in which it will have been worth telling the truth.